==A New Hope==
I pulled her out of storage, plugged her in, and turned her on. She threw a CMOS error but then booted fine! She picked up a DNS address and connected to the interweb. Various attempts at automatic updates then failed, likely because her OS is obsolete. Most crucially, all of her daemons came up fine too. Here Her webserver was immediately available on both localhost and her DNS assigned IP, and I could SSH onto her.
lsb_release -a